New ‘Models’ from ‘GM’
By Casey Jones
Tribune Columnist
Barack Obama, President and CEO of Government Motors, wearing a Chevy bow tie and singing “Wouldn’t you really rather have a Buick,” has announced GM’s revamped model lineup for 2010, which follows.
The Filibuster: A high-mileage endurance vehicle — keeps going and going and going.
The Geithner: Economy model. Tax free!
The Kennedy: An alternative fuel vehicle. Runs on ethanol … or Scotch … or bourbon … or …
The Socialist: Features progressive pricing designed to redistribute the wealth. The more you earn, the more you pay.
The Howard Dean: High-performance vehicle; a scream to drive.
The BLM: Rugged, off-road sport-utility vehicle. Ideal for river-running. Comes equipped with a drill rig so you can find your own oil and gas.
The Republican: The last of the gas guzzlers; a dying breed. Noisy, blows smoke, powerless.
The NASA: Designed for high-altitude driving. Goes up, but doesn’t always come down.
The Pentagon: Perfect for commuters; a regular war wagon. Options include a $600 toilet seat and a $434 hammer for pounding out dents.
ICE: The ultimate in one-way transportation.
The Bailout: Perfect for financial and insurance industry corporate fleets. Comes with a government credit card for fuel purchases and repairs.
The Sotomayor: The first entirely computer-controlled car. Programmed to make better driving decisions than privileged white males.
The CIA Interrogator: Dual climate controls (extreme heat or extreme cold). Overhead steering wheel for improved driver discomfort. Internal windshield washer pump sprays bothersome kids to simulate drowning.
The UAW: Driver must pull into a rest area every two hours to avoid a strike. Requires maintenance even after it’s retired.
The Nader: Safest car on the highway. Neck and arm restraints; five-point safety harness; drivers side, passenger side and overhead air bags.
The Senator: Runs once every six years. Comes equipped with a lobbyist in the driver’s seat.
The Congressman: Never stops running. Comes equipped with a lobbyist in the driver’s seat.
The Matheson: It’s complicated. Loaded with features to try to please everybody. No matter which way you turn the wheel, it steers to the middle of the road.
The Chaffetz: A light-weight recreational vehicle painted in garish colors to attract attention. When you stop for the night, it folds into a cot.
The Bennett: A legacy car. Requires frequent front-end alignments. (It pulls to the right in election years.)
The Hatch: A true getaway vehicle; helps drug-dealing musicians get out of jail.
The Bishop: Powered by low-level radioactive waste. Like its namesake, it’s dependent on EnergySolutions to keep running.
The Department of Education: Built for large families. Leave no child behind.
The Fort Knox: Gold exterior, empty interior.
The Cheney : Argues on the driver’s behalf during police stops, insisting that the operator had to break the law in order to make the highways safer.
The Palin: Headlights that wink, oversize trunk for large wardrobes, horn beeps “You betcha.”
The “W”: Failed concept car. (But perhaps history will look favorably upon it.)
Casey Jones is a member of the Tribune editorial board. E-mail him at cjones@sltrib.com